Our Deepest Fear – Vent XLI

I’m not here to decipher the famous poem written by ‘Marianne Williamson’, I’m not here to write a piece of poetry myself; I’m here to express what my deepest fears are. I wrote this in November 2012, but I haven’t posted it until a friendly reminder. Thanks TJ

Heights, insects, germs, the world around us – those are common things to be afraid of. I was scared of heights, I’m not a fan of insects, germs are everywhere, and I can’t control the world. Many fear what they can’t understand. People fear that there’s a bigger picture and they want to scare you into thinking that it’s the end of all things before you get to live your life. I can’t hide from the world and play it safe because of what some book says, or what the media says, or what he or she says. I can’t do that. Why should I? Why should I play a part in your fear to condemn myself to your beliefs? I’m not afraid of what you’re afraid of. You’re scared of what’s coming; you’re scared of what’s already happened; you’re scared to walk out of that door and embrace change. My question to you is why? What’s the point? What are you gaining from loss of time?

My greatest fear is when the people I care for the most start to turn against me. I fear that the ones closest to me will be the first to stab me in the back. I fear that life will have me more isolated because everyone will want a piece of what I’m worth. Crabs will always try to bring you down. Ironically enough, my Zodiac sign is a crab. Who will try to bring me down? Is it a friend I call the best, is it the woman I call my wife, will it be the caregivers I call my parents? Will I wake up to a gun to my head? Will I be dangling by a cliff with the hands of the people I love holding onto me just to release me? This is what I fear. I don’t fear the people who get close, because I’m able to draw back. I don’t fear their kindness, I fear their maliciousness. Everyone is capable of it, but all at different degrees.

Who can I trust in 2012, there’s no one not even myself, a Gemini screaming for help – Kendrick Lamar

Who can be trusted? The ones who say “you can trust me?” The ones who claim to have love for you just to not show up when you’re down? The ones you love that you can’t look in the face for assistance because of the look back of resentment? How many deciding factors must go into giving your all to someone? You give so much, you get little in return. The greatest fear is being abandoned; the greatest fear is becoming the target when you’ve done nothing to make yourself one. The greatest fear is being the one who has everything and having the people behind you getting what you want.  The greatest fear is facing a man who has nothing to lose, but everything of yours to gain. Where do you begin? Do you not speak to anyone? Do you live your life in a box? Do you avoid everyone because you know one day someone may turn on you? You don’t. You have to live. I have to live. I don’t know what will happen in my life, but I have an idea…I just fear what others will do when my idea becomes not only an anomaly, but a reality.

The deepest fear is falling from the light in the sky and submerging into the abyss of darkness. The darkness where no light shines, no voices are heard, but only the deafening sound of utter silence and the heartbeat in your ears. That’s fear – that’s haunting, and that’s something that is terribly real. Tears can’t save a man’s soul, but it lets him know that one is within him. Smiles can’t hide the pain and sorrow of one who’s suffered. Slings and arrows have penetrated the pits of my inner self for a long time, and the wounds haven’t healed. They never will – I’ve accepted this. Happiness is sometimes a form of imagination because we want to be happy; we want others to be happy; we want the general public to know that we’re not a bunch of glum chums, because no one associates themselves with a glum chum.

Our deepest fear is not one that comes with lack of understanding, but it’s of loss of everything. Everyone fails, and everyone comes back from downfall. Some rise faster than others, but what if you can’t stand up? What if you don’t have the strength beneath you to pick yourself up and there’s no one around to give you a hand? That is fear; that is haunting. The soul can only handle so much grief before engulfing a wave of darkness around itself. Money, love, lust, togetherness – that makes one happy. Success can be measured in those forms. Having none of that is something we fear because it’s stripping away natural emotions that are not man-made, but divinity itself. We’re not Pagans, but we are Gods. Believe in one, or not, if we are created in God’s image, then we are that much closer, aren’t we? So many questions, so little answers. I’m not here to ponder the questions – I’m here to discover my own life’s answers.

If you believe, you can achieve
If I believe it, I can do it

Our deepest fear is not discovering our own answers to our lives’ questions: Will I be a successful person? Do my children love me? Do my parents forgive me? Am I a good person? Will people care for me? To be cut off before knowing, that’s a fear. That’s something that can’t be controlled. We just have to live and let live. Whatever happens, happens. It’s natural to be afraid, it’s normal to embrace fear – but to let it consume you, that’s the downfall many get sucked into. Don’t let it control you – let it motivate you; let it be a reminder to you that there’s always a land mine in life or quicksand. You can blow up or sink.

My greatest fear is not that I’m inadequate, nor is it the fear of me being powerful beyond my imagination – it’s what falling with no parachute feels like and seeing the ground before you. That’s my fear.

That’s My Word & It STiXX

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