29

You can take any cliché you’d like, when it comes to what life is compared to, and throw it out the window, because really there are no words or phrases that can accurately convey just what we experience on a daily, monthly, and yearly basis. The fascinating thing about life is that it’s unpredictable, and that your life can change in an instance, on any given day. To have a birthday in the middle of the year, it’s interesting, because you go through a time period where you literally experience 2 halves of yourself in the span of a year. I’m aware that age is just a number, but experiences hold true weight and can help shape your character. The first half of 28 went as such: I was going through the first few months of being in love with my fiancée, Syd, I had my first show editor credit (Funny How), on Viceland, which was still airing in Canada, and was flourishing at my favourite job in a variety of ways, I went to Barbados and played mas for Crop Over 2017, I went to Los Angeles to watch my favourite sports teams play in person,  and I was on the trajectory to be happy for an extended period of time.

Then life said, not so fast, here’s what we’re gonna do – We’re gonna lay you off from your favourite job, you’re going to be unemployed for the whole 2nd month of the year, you’re going to go through a botched attempt to get 2 wisdom teeth out, leaving you to experience some of the worst pain you’ve felt in your life, to the point where it brought you to tears, you’re going to fall off of writing because mentally you’re drained and editing has become your main focus, and one of your favourite family members will pass away a few weeks before you turn 29. But during that time, you were contracted to work as a show editor for the first time, you picked up more freelance editing gigs, you’re still engaged to your partner, you still have a roof over your head, have clothes on your back, joined the gym, and are seeing progress, and you’ve upgraded your apartment, so what’s the problem? The mental, and emotional hurdles are what make us human, because there are so many ups and downs to go through, and you could be as careful as you’d like to be, walk on egg shells until your feet bleed profusely, and play it safe all you want – life will happen, and you’re here to live it (unless you find other means to cut it short, which I do not encourage, but I do not judge).

I think I’ve learned a significant amount about myself, through the experiences, good and bad. To lose is to gain, and when you gain, you have more to lose. Everything has to operate in balance, and that’s what I’ve had to realize. I stopped going out as much, because I enjoyed the home that Syd and I built, and I’m naturally a homebody first. I said yes to more outside work, which meant there were days where I sacrificed hours of sleep, all for wanting to sharpen my editing skills. Priorities changed, and I didn’t feel more inclined reach out more, because I was giving myself less. I really started to seek out the meaning of self-care, actively. I wanted better for myself, because what appeared to be a jubilant and lovable Jordan to everyone else, the truth is that I wasn’t all that happy. I wasn’t happy at home, so I went out a lot to get away from that. I was nervous about going outside of my comfort zone for the sake of new experiences, because I was cautious about what could happen. I’m a worrywart, and it annoys me as much as it annoys people around me, so I kept to myself. I kept my problems to myself, and I didn’t let anyone in. I had a hard time trusting that people would genuinely care. That’s certainly on me for having that feeling, but I felt like it was valid. I even tried therapy once – it felt good, but when I got laid off and lost my benefits, there wasn’t a point in going back. I had a lot of doubts about myself, and for the most part I still do, but I don’t have as much.

As I approach the last year of my 20s, I don’t have a whole list of things I want for myself, as far as material items, but I do want to be able to be more at peace with myself. I want to continue to build my confidence, and be more secure with the person I am. I don’t want to be as nervous, I don’t want to be as hesitant to jump into new situations, because I also believe that I’ve been able to live the life I have because I use my common sense and I should give myself a slight pat on the back for being persistent and consistent in my ethic. Whether it’s work related or being a somewhat decent friend/family member, or being a partner, I feel like I’ve still been able to be that person, but I decided to take more time back and dedicate it to myself. I’m looking forward to the things that I can look forward to (getting married being the main thing), but most importantly, I want to dedicate myself more to staying present. Being as prepared as possible, yes, but also maintaining the mindset that I’m here in this space to allow myself to grow, learn, and most importantly – be. I’ll continue to be human as long as I can be in the physical presence, and I want to make the most of my time here. It’s been a good 28 thus far; I can only hope for a fine 29. I’m thankful for the lessons that had accumulated during my previous year, now to open up more space for the next.

Happy Birthday to Me

That’s My Word & It STiXX

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