The absolute night is really the worst time of day for me when it comes to the depths of my thoughts sometimes, because it’s not always in the process I’d like it to be in. You know when they say that the majority of hard thinking comes in the bathroom? For me, it comes when I’m washing dishes. It’s the hot water running through the faucet that leaves me restless, and thus my mind – scattered. It’s like a zone of consciousness that I enter and it’s just where the passion builds and sometimes it dips into negativity (death, significant loss, and general worry). I know it’s not the end of the year yet, but by the time I post this and you blink, it’s damn near 2015.
This year has been something special for obvious reasons (moving out of my mom’s place) and it’s also been important in terms of realizing just what my purpose is as a human being. I’ve always known that it’s bigger than me. My goals, dreams, aspirations and desires, are ones that are obviously individually gained, but the impact that I wish to have on others is the greater achievement to me. With the killings of Michael Brown sparking off the anger within me to stand up and speak out for those who don’t think could gauge their own voice, I really understood that no matter what I do in life, there’s a thought in the back of my head that could suggest that I could be that next face on the news, no matter how hard I live my life to avoid being put in that position. Is the world scary? It can be, and this year with the ‘open season’ on Black lives taking storm, it’s been annoyingly nerve-racking to the point where I have to double take any white person that looks at me a certain way – and that’s in my own neighbourhood. When I was a guest on my friend Darren’s podcast, I stated my frustration of how it feels like we (as Black men) have to ‘accept’ the burden of being a threat to society although (especially in this country) we’re outnumbered. I have to live with it, but it doesn’t mean I have to be okay with it. That was one thing that I really felt passionate about more than anything, and for it to come out this year was something that I felt was important in my realization of growth as a man.
I also realized more of my faults that I know I have to fix. Being an ambitious person that I like to think that I am, there are periods of laziness and lack of motivation that I feel shouldn’t have happened. One of my downfalls is that I’m hard on myself and I don’t give myself enough credit for some achievements. I’m still not as good of a friend to those that matter, I’m still not a great grandson/son, I feel like I neglect others too much to isolate myself and try to balance that out by constantly going out and being with other people instead of solidifying relationships with family. I haven’t been as good of an older brother to my sister because of my lack of trying to get it right with my father, and she doesn’t deserve that. There are things in my life that I know I need to fix, and when I look at other artists and prolific figures and how they too were isolated when it came to building themselves; it’s unsettling to be in that position.
A conversation the other night (shout out to CM) pitted the question: “What do you want in the New Year?” and it’s one that’s always asked because everyone has a resolution. My aim is to maintain and continue my growth as a man. There’s no checklist or deadline to enhance my growth because the last time I tried to set a time limit on something that I thought was going to happen, I ended up still living with my mom from 21 to 25. I love life – the hardships it deals and the rewards I reap when it’s time to collect on them. I only have the one life, and balance has been the emphasis my mother has given me my entire life. To find that balance is something that I need to still work on. Developing as a creative is also something that I need to be so assertive in. I can do all the tweeting and socializing I want, but I need to realize that it all starts and ends with me and if I’m willing to go the extra step. In ways where I progressed, I know I regressed in other areas that I don’t think I should have. I didn’t do photography as much, I didn’t edit videos as much, I put off projects like writing my script, and I had a drought of reading novels – it was frustrating, and as I write these words, I know that I’ll do better, because I want better.
I enjoyed meeting the people that I met this year, because everyone has some sort of impact on your life in more ways than we’ll know. This year, I had to grow up, and I feel like I did that a bit (okay, a lot – I’m being modest). Moving out on my own was the biggest thing, and the responsibilities have shifted as such. To continue to grow is the goal. Failure would be losing everything that I’ve built, just to start over again. It’s what pushes me every day, and somewhere out there, someone can relate to wanting to have that same desire to grow. The over-analytical and in-your-face tone of the world often takes you away from just who you are as a person. I stuck to my core values, but I did feel like I lost my way sometimes. I can be better, and I will be better. 2014 was a great lesson in my life that I think has proven to be one of the best in my life so far, but it doesn’t stop. I await the challenges when the new calendar page flips, and for everyone out there who’s continuing to go through life asking as many questions as I might be, just know that it’s okay not to know all of the answers. Google can’t solve everything, so you shouldn’t feel ashamed about not knowing. Discover on your own path, at your own pace, it’ll come when it’s your time in your very space.
New Year, Continuous You
That’s My Word & It STiXX