I don’t even know how to start this because of the amount of thoughts that have gone through my head before I had the ability to put words down on the blank document. Life likes to throw curveballs although the curveballs thrown in my direction aren’t ones that are particularly harmful, but in this particular case, they force me to come face to face with confronting the familiar feeling that I have come to know an be all too comfortable with, in my young life – disappointment. This isn’t a stranger, nor is it an illusion of sorts. It’s certainly not unchartered territory, because the feeling rears its head up at me time and time again.
“And I ain’t even know how it came to this
Except that fame is the worst drug known to man
It’s stronger than heroin
When you could look in the mirror, like, “There I am”
And still not see what you’ve become
I know I’m guilty of it too, but not like them; you lost one”
– JAY-Z [Lost One]
I had to be counseled on the differences between flaws and quirks because I thought that they were all one in the same, whereas that is not the case. The problem that I have within myself is that the avoidance of confrontation has been something that I’d have to live with for as long as I could remember. It’s demonizing to my own well being to find myself in a conflict that pits together people that I care about. It’s detrimental to my health to introduce drama and confront negative situations within myself because I tense up and all I want to do is make it all better. I haven’t been in a physical fight since high school, and I never want to bring drama to my doorstep. I’d rather just leave the pieces where they lay, or resolve the situation myself in order to move on and ahead with my life.
Lately, as I’ve come to grow more as a person, and while having my face held up in a mirror against myself to see the type of person that I am, in my attempts to be a ‘good person,’ there’s a limit to how much I can allow multiple parties to pit themselves against each other until I have to take a side. That’s all I’ve ever done – stay neutral; try to be the voice of reason in so many situations. It’s led to me always being in the middle of issues where two or more people who don’t like each other, make their tensions known, and when you’re the person who absorbs this tension to try and keep the peace, eventually it weighs down on you to the point where you have to sit with yourself and ask if it’s worth it. Is it worth long-term, off again/on again tumultuous, and childish affairs that have nothing to do with anything? Or would you like to find peace?
“I feel like friends been overrated
I feel like the family been fakin’
I feel like the feelings are changin’
Feel like my thought of compromise is jaded
Feel like you wanna scrutinize how I made it
Feel like I ain’t feelin’ you all
Feel like removin’ myself, no feelings involved”
– Kendrick Lamar [FEEL]
Closure and I aren’t the friendliest of people with each other – matter of fact, I’m sure we’re simply acquaintances. We rarely pop into each other’s lives, and that falls on my shoulders once again. I never seek closure. I never let the other person know why I was hurt, or why a certain act made me feel some type of way. Ignoring the problem before it grows into a bigger one, has been my method of handling situations, but I’ve seen that it’s not healthy – for myself and others. There are more times than not, loose ends. There’s that lingering connection that sits there. Someone on the other end may pull the string, and then you’re the one feeling the effects. The way that I look at my life at this point, regarding the way I’ve handled various situations that involved some form of conflict and/or confrontation, it’s as though I’m a broken window that hasn’t shattered cleanly, but the shards still resonate with me. I sense that my fear of losing out dismantles my will to gain, on a personal level.
There is also responsibility that falls onto those who proclaim to have love for you, but fail to let you know the weight that bears their hearts. Minding your Ps & Qs is ideal in scenarios in which you know nothing about, that’s just common sense, but if there is something that is bothering you, or of at least a concern in your eyes that you would like to voice, the responsibility is on said party to voice those displeasures so that both sides can come to an understanding. Assumptions only make fools of us all, and I certainly have fallen victim to that rhetoric. Does it mean that I’m a bad person? I wouldn’t hope so, but I would think that respect would come to mind if you cared enough to spread words around the grapevine instead of going straight to the source. In a time where communication is as accessible as ever, people sure do a terrible job in using it effectively.
But I’ve seen this before – through the eyes of a parent a generation before me. I’ve seen what happens when you’re cast to the side and are forced to just move on without notice. I know what it’s like to come 2nd priority in people’s lives, as life does happen, but without the decency of respect to have merit over what foundation was built. I’ve lived through sheer disappointment of being misled, misused, abused, and misconstrued by those who claim love for you. I like to regard myself as a selfless person for the most part. I’ve constantly went out of my way to support people, help others when they’re down, or be an ear or shoulder of support when it’s needed. I’ve never asked for anything in return. It costs nothing to be a decent human being, so I should never have the audacity to seek compensation for mundane situations. It’s an act that has always come natural to me. In 2017, I pulled back a bit from being selfless, because my energy required me to retain some for self. Life changed – but for the better. I started saying no to more things, and observing the true value of myself. The shift happened, and then shifts started to happen in ways that I didn’t foresee. How far does your love go if you don’t have trust? People would have less to talk about, if they knew what you were going through, but not everyone gets that benefit. But then again, I don’t particularly enjoy sharing all the things that go on in my life that cause me pain. I don’t open up that easily. I’ve been learning that, this year.
“This game you could never win
Cause they love you then they hate you then they love you again
Get away from me loneliness
Get away from me misery
Get away from me fake shit, I can’t take the phoniness”
– Kanye West [GOOD Music BET Cypher 2010]
The cause for change comes from within and not from any tangible situation that’s so easy to place. You can point and look to say that XYZ has caused me to be a different person, but it’s that way of thinking that reveals your true character. Making yourself less available is a detriment to those who have been spoiled in your riches. As a person who hates to disappoint, I have to come to terms with the fact that I can’t control how other people react to the decisions that I make for self. I’ve had to have a lot of sit-down heart to hearts with many people whom I love, to grasp an understanding of who I am moving forward. I love who I am although there are still many things about myself that I don’t like. Whether they’re flaws or quirks, they’re me. I’ve gone through my life, with relative grace while being under the siege of fire. I’ve turned out okay. Not everyone is worthy of the light you shine – some aren’t here for a long time, only a good time.
That’s My Word & It STiXX