So Many Questions – Vent L (50)


          I feel like right now I’m in a position where I know where I’m at, but I keep hearing a million of other voices telling me what I should be doing, and then when you blend in the pressures of what you have to do in the future; it creates a heavy weight that you can’t seem to release. I don’t know if it’s just the fluctuating weather, or if it’s something to do with the load on my plate I have for myself, but I don’t feel right. Good job, steady income, and still working towards my goals – so why do I feel so small at the moment? I know that I’m still working towards where I eventually want to be, but why is it that at this particular time, I’m annoyed with myself and the surrounding things around me? Is it because I have so many things I want to do and the time to balance them isn’t working? Or is it just the weather? Is it because when I’ve taken a moment to reflect on what was to highlight just what is? Or is it just the weather? There’s a multitude of things that are piling up, and I don’t know what it is; it’s a mystery to me and when you can’t figure out where it stems from, it bugs you. I feel like that’s where I’m at right now.

Something that frustrates me, however – is seeing those who want it for themselves but fail to go after it. I mean, if you’re complaining about your current position and you’re doing nothing but letting it fester, why don’t you do something instead of complaining? I’ll never understand it. I hated my job (that I was working off and on for 6 years) so I quit, went cold turkey into an internship, and came out months later with what I wanted to begin with. Was it hard? Yes. Was it worth it? Of course it was. Life’s too short to be in a position where you’re not moving at all – what good is that doing for you? I get it; bills have to get paid, and sometimes things take longer to manifest in order to take advantage, but that shouldn’t be an excuse for you not to create your own opportunities. This is why I understand why people fantasize about playing the lottery so much – people want to rely on a big jackpot to set them free instead of self-discovering what it is they want in order to obtain their own freedom. This doesn’t make sense, but it’s the life we live in. This is not a mid-20s crisis; this is just on account of being observant. The pressures of wanting to be great come with a great degree of difficulty. There are no video game sliders or settings to bring it down to a level that will let you coast right on through it; you have to gruel and get your hands dirty to get what you want. I see it and I’m reminded every day by the examples that surround me.

So what is it? What’s the problem? What’s bothering me? Why do I feel this battle in my head that won’t seem to end? It could be that things are happening quicker than I can control them. It could be that the pressure of moving ahead in life is catching up to me faster than I can climb the metaphorical mountain. It could be the voices in my ear telling me what they think is best but isn’t something that I want to hear. It could be the lingering cloud of doubt that is starting to form.

Or maybe it’s just the weather…

That’s My Word & It STiXX

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